PARENTS & SUPPORT
Parents & Support
Finding out that your child is involved in bullying can be upsetting, confusing and difficult to know how to respond to.
Your child may be experiencing bullying, witnessing it, being drawn into a group situation, or being accused of bullying someone else. Sometimes the picture is clear. Sometimes it is not.
There is no single response that will work for every child or every situation. What matters is listening carefully, thinking about safety, understanding what is happening and deciding what needs to happen next.
This page offers practical steps for parents and carers, including how to talk with your child, work with a school, keep a useful record and find further support when it is needed.
We are not going to give you a list of symptoms
Many anti-bullying websites provide lists of possible signs that a child is being bullied. You may see things such as changes in mood, sleep, appetite, school attendance, friendships, confidence or possessions. Those changes may be important, but they could also point to many other things happening in a young person's life. A list cannot tell you whether your child is being bullied.
Notice changes, stay curious and talk to them.
One practical thing you can do straight away
Find the school's anti-bullying policy, or the relevant section of its behaviour policy.
Download it and, if useful, print a copy. If you cannot find it on the school website, ask the school for it. Read what the school says bullying is, how concerns should be reported, what it says it will do when bullying is raised, and what procedures it has for recording, responding and following up.
This gives you a practical reference point for almost everything that follows. When you speak to the school, you can then ask “How does what is happening relate to your anti-bullying policy?” and “What does your policy say should happen next?” Rather than beginning from scratch, you are beginning with the approach the school has already said it will use.
Someone has told you about bullying. What now?
When a child tells you something is wrong, it can be tempting to react quickly. Before deciding what to do, try to build a clearer picture of what is happening.
Listen
Give them time to talk. Try not to interrupt, question every detail or immediately offer solutions. Sometimes being properly heard is the first thing they need.
A child may not tell you everything at once. They may be embarrassed, frightened, unsure what will happen next, worried about making things worse, or still trying to understand the situation themselves. Try to create space for them to talk without turning the conversation into an interrogation.
Be careful about questions that suggest the answer, such as “Why didn’t you just walk away?” or “Are you sure you didn’t do something first?” You may need to ask for more detail later, especially if a school or another organisation becomes involved. But the first conversation is often about listening, reassurance and understanding.
Where possible, tell your child what you are thinking of doing next and involve them in the decision. Do not promise that you will keep everything secret. If you become concerned that somebody may be at risk of serious harm, you may need to involve another adult or service. Explain this honestly and, where it is safe to do so, let your child know before you act.
Young people often understand the relationships, tensions and risks around them better than adults initially realise. Listening carefully can reveal not only what happened, but what may help.
Take it seriously
Even something that appears small on its own may be part of a wider pattern. Taking it seriously does not mean deciding straight away who is right or wrong. It means showing that what they have told you matters.
Find out what is happening
Ask open questions and let the story emerge. Who is involved? Where does it happen? How often? Does it happen online as well as face to face? Has anybody else seen it?
You do not need to conduct an investigation. The aim is to understand enough to decide what may need to happen next.
Think about safety
Ask where and when your child feels least safe. It might be a particular lesson, break time, the journey to school, a group chat, an online game or somewhere else entirely.
Consider whether anything needs to change immediately to help keep them safe.
Decide what happens next
Agree the next step with your child wherever possible. That might mean speaking to a teacher, saving messages or screenshots, contacting the school's safeguarding lead, asking for a temporary change, or simply agreeing to check in again tomorrow.
The first response does not have to solve everything. It should help you decide what needs to happen next.
Bullying is not always a simple two-person story
Bullying often involves more than the person being harmed and the person causing the harm. Other young people may be watching, laughing, joining in, passing messages on, sharing something online, staying silent, trying to help, or supporting somebody afterwards.
A child may say, “It wasn’t happening to me,” but they may still have been part of what was happening around it. Sometimes young people stay quiet because they are frightened of becoming the next target. Others may not know how to step in safely. A small act of support can still make a difference.
Roles can also change. A young person who is being bullied in one situation may behave badly towards somebody else in another. Someone who joined in yesterday may decide to speak up today. This is one reason fixed labels such as “bully” and “victim” do not always tell us enough about what is happening.
Try to understand the wider group as well as the individual incident. Who has influence? Who knows what is happening? Who feels able to speak? Who may be able to help?
Looking at the wider picture can make it easier to find responses that reduce harm rather than simply move it somewhere else.
Different situations
If your child witnesses bullying
Witnessing bullying can be difficult too. A young person may want to help but be frightened of becoming involved or becoming a target themselves. Listen to what they saw or heard and ask what they did and why. Avoid assuming they should have confronted somebody directly.
Helping can take many forms. It might mean getting an adult, supporting somebody afterwards, reporting what happened or refusing to join in. Safety matters.
If your child may have bullied someone
Being told that your child may have bullied someone can be difficult to hear. A natural first reaction may be to defend them or say, “My child would never do that.” But starting with curiosity is usually more helpful.
Try: “Tell me what happened.”
Listen to their account without immediately accepting or rejecting it. There may be missing information, different perspectives, or a wider pattern that is not yet clear. Avoid turning an accusation into a fixed identity. A young person may have behaved in a bullying way without that meaning they should simply be labelled “a bully”. At the same time, understanding behaviour does not mean excusing harm.
If your child has hurt, intimidated, excluded or repeatedly targeted someone, they may need help to recognise the impact of what they have done and take responsibility for changing it.
There may also be reasons behind the behaviour that need attention. Anger, fear, peer pressure, insecurity, previous experiences of being bullied or difficulties elsewhere in a young person’s life can all matter. Those factors may help explain what is happening, but they do not make harmful behaviour acceptable.
Where appropriate, work with the school and with your child to reduce the harm, understand what is driving the behaviour and support real change.
If your child has been accused of bullying
An allegation should be taken seriously. But being accused of bullying does not automatically mean that a child should simply be labelled “a bully.” Take the allegation seriously without immediately deciding either that your child is responsible or that it cannot possibly be true. Ask what happened and listen carefully. Different young people may have experienced the same event differently, and there may also be information that neither you nor your child knows yet.
Use the school's policy as a reference point. Ask how the allegation is being considered, what information is available and what happens next. If your child has caused harm, help them understand the impact and what needs to change. If the allegation is disputed, continue to take the concern seriously while seeking a fair understanding of what happened.
An accusation should be taken seriously. It should not be treated as a conclusion before the circumstances have been explored. Believe that your child deserves to be heard without assuming that everything they say must be correct. Ask what happened before arguing about what to call it.
If the person causing harm is an adult
Bullying can also involve an adult such as a teacher, coach, youth worker, volunteer or another person with responsibility or power. If your child says an adult is harming, humiliating or intimidating them, take it seriously and do not assume ordinary peer bullying procedures are enough.
Use the organisation's safeguarding or complaints route. If there is a risk of serious harm, seek outside safeguarding or emergency help.
If it happens outside school
Bullying can happen in sport, clubs, youth groups, community activities, online or in other settings. The organisation responsible for that setting may need to act.
Ask who has safeguarding responsibility, what policy applies and what can change to make the situation safer. If the behaviour crosses settings, more than one organisation may need to be involved.
SEND and disability: different needs, different responses
Young people with special educational needs, disabilities or different communication needs may experience, communicate or respond to bullying differently. A young person may need more time, a different way to explain what happened, a trusted person present, or changes to the environment.
Ask what helps this young person communicate and feel safe. Consider communication support, sensory needs, routines, access, dependence on other people and whether adjustments are needed. Do not assume the answer is simply to make the young person more resilient or socially skilled. The behaviour and the conditions around it may also need to change.
Working with the school
If bullying is happening in or around school, the school will usually need to be part of the response. Before or after making contact, find and read the school’s anti-bullying policy. This should help you understand how concerns are meant to be reported, who is responsible for responding and what the school says it will do.
You may want to ask:
“Can you explain how your response in this case relates to your anti-bullying policy?”
This keeps the conversation focused on what the school has said it will do rather than turning it into an argument about whether somebody has used the right label.
Try to agree clear next steps. Who is going to do what, and by when? If something is agreed in a meeting or phone call, it can be useful to follow up briefly in writing so that everyone has the same understanding.
Where appropriate, involve your child in discussions about possible responses. Adults may have authority to act, but young people often know which places, relationships or proposed solutions are most likely to make things better or worse.
If the first response does not help, return to the policy, ask what the next stage is and keep checking whether the situation is actually improving.
Keep a useful record
When several conversations, incidents or actions are involved, it can become difficult to remember exactly what happened and when. A simple record can help.
You might keep dates and a brief timeline of significant incidents; relevant messages, emails or screenshots; your child’s own words about what happened; who you have spoken to; questions you have asked; actions that have been agreed; who is responsible for those actions; and dates for updates or review.
Keep the record factual where possible. It can help to separate what you know, what your child has told you and what you still need to find out.
You do not need to collect evidence of everything or repeatedly question your child. Keeping a useful record is about helping everyone understand what has happened and whether agreed actions are making a difference.
If you speak to the school by phone or in person, a short follow-up email confirming what was agreed can also be helpful.
Check what happens next
Reporting bullying or agreeing a response is not the end of the process. Check back with your child and, where appropriate, with the school or other organisation involved.
Ask whether the behaviour has stopped, your child feels safer, it has moved somewhere else, it has moved online, friendships or peer-group dynamics have changed, attendance, learning or participation have been affected, and the actions that were agreed have actually happened.
Sometimes an intervention helps quickly. Sometimes it helps partly. Sometimes it does not work at all. If the situation is not improving, say so.
Return to what was agreed, ask what happens next and consider whether a different response is needed. What works for one young person may not work for another. The important question is not simply, “Has something been done?”
“Is the situation getting safer and better?”
What if the school is not helping?
If the problem continues, ask what happens next. Find out the next stage in the school's procedure, how you can make a complaint if you remain concerned, who you should contact next and how and when the situation will be reviewed. Again, the important question is not simply what somebody did in response, but whether that response made a difference.
What changed as a result?
“Hit them back”
When parents discover that their child is being hurt, some may consider telling them to hit or punch back. We are not here to judge parents or tell people what decision they have to make in an individual situation. But we must also remember that using violence can potentially get us into more trouble than we were in in the first place. There is something else worth considering too.
If the only response we give a young person to bullying or conflict is a violent one, we give them a very limited set of skills for dealing with difficult relationships in the future. Young people will encounter disagreements, intimidation, anger, pressure and conflict throughout their lives, and having more than one possible response gives them more choices. Those choices might include speaking, walking away, seeking support, staying with others, challenging behaviour, reporting it, using humour, setting boundaries, documenting what is happening or finding another safe way to respond. Not every approach will work in every situation. The aim is to help young people develop more choices, not fewer.
When more help is needed
Most bullying concerns can begin with listening, practical support and working with the school or organisation involved. Sometimes, however, the situation may involve more serious risks.
You may need additional help if there are concerns about serious or repeated threats, physical assault, sexual harassment or sexual harm, hate or discriminatory abuse, serious online threats or intimidation, safeguarding concerns, behaviour that may be criminal, or somebody being at immediate risk of harm.
If you are concerned about safeguarding, ask to speak to the school’s designated safeguarding lead or the appropriate safeguarding person in the organisation involved.
If you believe somebody is in immediate danger, call 999.
You do not need to decide on your own whether something is “serious enough” before asking for advice. If you are worried, it is reasonable to seek further help.
AntiBullyingWeek.co.uk provides information and signposting, but it does not provide emergency support, counselling, investigations or individual casework.
The next section provides routes to organisations that may be able to offer more specialist information or support.
Find the right support
Sometimes you may need information or support beyond what a school or other organisation can provide.
You do not need to contact every service below. Choose the one that best matches what is happening.
Bullying-specific advice
Kidscape provides information and practical support for children, young people, parents and carers dealing with bullying.
Someone for a young person to talk to
Childline provides confidential support for children and young people by phone and online, including help with bullying and cyberbullying. Young people can call free on 0800 1111.
Online bullying and online safety
Internet Matters provides practical information for parents and carers about cyberbullying, social media, gaming, reporting, blocking and other online safety concerns.
Mental health and emotional support
YoungMinds provides information and advice for parents and carers who are concerned about a child or young person’s mental health. Samaritans provides confidential emotional support for anyone who is struggling or needs someone to talk to and can be called free on 116 123.
Safeguarding concerns
NSPCC provides advice for adults who are worried about the safety or wellbeing of a child. The NSPCC Helpline is 0808 800 5000. Children and young people can also access support through Childline.
Crime or hate crime
Victim Support provides independent and confidential support to people affected by crime, including young people and families. Support is available whether or not the incident has been reported to the police.
Discrimination and equality
The Equality Advisory and Support Service (EASS) provides information and support about discrimination and rights under equality law in England, Scotland and Wales.
Rights, school procedures and complaints
Citizens Advice can provide information about rights, complaints and possible routes for further advice when difficulties with a school or another organisation cannot be resolved informally.
Language and communication support
If language or communication is making it difficult to raise a concern, ask the school or organisation whether it can provide a professional interpreter, translated information or another appropriate communication adjustment.
Where relevant, local multilingual services, refugee and migrant support organisations, British Sign Language services and Welsh-language services may also be able to help.
If you are unsure which kind of help you need, start with the organisation that most closely matches your immediate concern. They may also be able to direct you towards more specialist support.
Urgent mental-health support
For urgent mental-health support, use the appropriate NHS or crisis service for your part of the UK. If somebody is in immediate danger, call 999.
NHS 111 — call 111 and select the mental-health option.
NHS 111 — call 111 and select option 2.
NHS 24 — call 111 and choose the mental-health option.
Lifeline — 0808 808 8000.
Support routes and telephone details should be checked periodically because services can change.
One final thought
When something happens to our child, it is natural to want to protect them, and sometimes that can make it difficult to slow down and listen. Before labels, blame, punishment or solutions, it may help to keep asking what is happening, what needs to happen to make it stop and, afterwards, whether it actually did stop.
Keep listening, keep checking
There may not be one perfect response to bullying. What helps one young person may not help another, and what works at first may need to change as the situation develops.
Keep listening to your child. Keep thinking about safety. Involve them in decisions wherever possible, and keep checking whether the actions being taken are actually making things better.
Bullying can be difficult to talk about. Breaking the silence is not simply about speaking once. It is about creating the conditions in which young people can be heard, adults are prepared to listen, and concerns lead to thoughtful action.
You do not have to have every answer before you begin.
Listen. Ask. Act. Check again.