How do I stop bullying?

One of the most difficult questions about bullying is also probably the one asked most often: how do I stop it?

The answer that nobody really wants to hear is that there is no single way to stop bullying. People experience bullying differently. What one person experiences as bullying may be understood differently by another. The people involved are different. The balance of power is different. The place, the relationships and what has already happened are different. Fear, confidence, skills, strength, courage, friendship, support, culture, age and experience can all affect what happens next.

That means a strategy that helps one person may not help another. Something that works once may not work the next time. So this page is not a list of instructions telling you what you should or shouldn't do. It is about having more choices. The more we understand about bullying, ourselves and other people, the more ways we may have to respond.

If you are under 19 in the UK and want to talk to someone, Childline offers free, confidential support by phone and online. Call 0800 1111.

Fight fire with fire?

One of the most common pieces of advice given to somebody who is being bullied is: “If they hit you, hit them back.” It sounds simple. Show them you are not afraid. Give them a taste of their own medicine. Make sure they know that you can fight back.

Sometimes somebody may need to defend themselves when they are in immediate danger. That is called self defence, which is different from making violence our main strategy for dealing with bullying.

Violence can escalate situations very quickly. One punch can lead to another, friends can become involved, somebody can be seriously injured, and a situation that began in one place can continue somewhere else. The effects can also last long after the physical confrontation has ended. Fear, anger and prolonged stress can affect both physical and emotional wellbeing, and people can carry experiences of violence with them for many years.

If violence becomes the main way we learn to solve bullying, we are left with a very limited set of skills for dealing with the many other difficult situations we will meet in life.

We do not recommend violence as a solution to bullying, but we are also not going to tell somebody facing a difficult or frightening situation exactly what they must or must not do. People sometimes have to make decisions very quickly. What we can do is help widen the range of choices available.

More choices, more skills

Becoming better able to deal with bullying does not necessarily mean becoming tougher. It can mean becoming more skilled. We can learn about fear and what happens to us when we become frightened. We can learn about power and how somebody gains or loses it. We can develop assertiveness without becoming aggressive, practise speaking, listening, negotiating and setting boundaries, and learn how body language and voice can affect an encounter.

We can develop empathy without excusing harmful behaviour. We can explore conciliation and ways of repairing relationships when that is possible. We can learn martial arts, not simply to fight, but to develop awareness, movement, control, breathing, confidence and discipline. We can learn when to stay, when to leave, when to speak and when to get somebody else involved. We can also learn that asking for help is itself a skill.

There is no need to master all of these things. The important point is that one response does not have to be our only response.

Five ideas at a time

We could list thousands of strategies for dealing with bullying, but nobody can know in advance which one will ultimately help you. Part of being able to deal with bullying is finding the courage to begin, to take some kind of action and see what happens. That action might be talking to somebody, changing the way you respond, asking for help, practising a new skill or simply deciding that something has to change.

Rather than give you an endless list, we have deliberately limited each section below to five ideas. They are not instructions and they are not guaranteed solutions. They are suggestions to try, adapt, expand on, practise, think about or reject. One may lead you to another idea that works better for you.

Start somewhere. Notice what changes. If it does not help, try something else.

If you are in immediate danger

Get somewhere safer. Move towards other people, a trusted adult, staff member or somewhere you feel less vulnerable.
Get help quickly. Tell somebody nearby what is happening and that you need help now.
Protect yourself if you have to. If somebody attacks you, concentrate on protecting yourself and getting away rather than retaliating or seeking revenge.
Call for emergency help when necessary. If someone is in immediate danger or seriously injured, call 999. You can also use 112 in the UK.
Do not deal with serious danger alone. Threats, weapons, serious violence, sexual harm or other dangerous behaviour need adult or professional help.

Talking solutions

Say clearly what you want to stop. Try a short sentence such as “Stop doing that”, “I don't like that” or “Leave me alone.” You do not always need to explain or argue.
Name what is happening. Sometimes saying “That's not funny to me”, “You're trying to embarrass me” or “You keep doing this” can change the conversation by making the behaviour visible.
Ask a question. Something as simple as “Why are you doing that?” or “What are you trying to achieve?” can sometimes interrupt what is happening and make the other person think about their behaviour.
Try a different response. Humour, agreeing with something harmless, changing the subject or giving an unexpected answer can sometimes take the energy out of a situation. It will not suit every person or every situation.
Practise and role play what you might say. Try different responses with somebody you trust. Take turns playing different roles, change the words or tone, and notice what feels comfortable or effective. Rehearsing a situation can make it easier to respond when something happens for real.

Standing up for yourself

Set a boundary. Decide what you are not willing to accept and make that boundary clear. It might be as simple as “Don't speak to me like that” or “Don't touch my things.”
Repeat yourself if you need to. You do not always have to find new words or get drawn into an argument. Calmly repeating the same message can sometimes be more powerful than explaining yourself over and over.
Choose when to walk away. Leaving is not the same as giving in. Sometimes walking away is the strongest way of refusing to take part in what somebody else is trying to create.
Bring somebody with you. Standing up for yourself does not have to mean standing alone. A friend, peer supporter, colleague or trusted adult beside you can change the balance of a situation.
Learn about self defence. In the UK, the law allows reasonable force to be used to defend yourself. That is different from retaliating or going back later to get revenge. Learning a martial art helps with self defence. It can help develop awareness, confidence, control, and when to protect yourself and when to get away.

Body language

Body language is not a magical solution to bullying, but learning how to look confident can sometimes change how other people respond to us.

Use open body language. Stand in a relaxed, open position with your arms by your side, shoulders relaxed and feet about shoulder width apart.
Use eye contact if it feels right. Looking at somebody briefly and calmly can show confidence. You do not have to stare or hold eye contact if it makes you uncomfortable.
Take slow, deep breaths. Fear can make us breathe quickly and tense our bodies. Slowing your breathing can help you think more clearly and feel more in control.
Notice your voice. Speaking clearly and steadily can sometimes be more effective than shouting. Practise saying a few short phrases in a calm, confident voice.
Practise looking confident. Body language can be rehearsed. Try different ways of standing, walking, looking and speaking, and notice which ones help you feel more confident.

Getting help

Choose someone you trust. This might be a friend, parent, teacher, youth worker, peer supporter or another adult you feel comfortable talking to.
Say what you want to happen. You may want someone simply to listen, help you think through your choices, speak to somebody with you or take action.
Take someone with you. If asking for help feels difficult, ask a friend or trusted person to come with you.
Keep asking if you need to. If the first person does not listen or help, try somebody else. One unhelpful response does not mean nobody will help.
Ask what happens next. If somebody agrees to help, find out what they are going to do and when you will talk again. Getting help should not end with simply telling someone.

Other people can change what happens

Stand with someone. Sitting or walking with somebody who is being targeted can make them feel less isolated and can change the balance of a situation.
Do not join in. Refusing to laugh, share, like, forward or encourage what is happening can remove some of the audience that bullying often relies on.
Check in afterwards. A simple “Are you OK?” can matter. It lets somebody know that another person noticed and cared.
Say something if it feels safe. You might say “Leave them alone”, “That's not funny” or simply change the direction of what is happening.
Get help together. You do not have to intervene alone. Find other people who can support you and the person being bullied, or go together to someone who can help.

Keep a record

Write down what happened. Note the date, place, what happened and who was there.
Save messages and screenshots. Keep copies of texts, posts, emails, images or other online material before deleting or blocking anything.
Look for patterns. A series of small incidents can sometimes show something more clearly than one event on its own.
Keep it somewhere safe. Store notes or screenshots where they will not be lost, deleted or seen by someone you do not want to see them.
Use the record when asking for help. It can make it easier to explain what has been happening and show how often it has occurred.

Online choices

Block or mute if it helps. You do not have to keep giving somebody access to you online.
Report harmful content. Use the platform's reporting tools if messages, images or posts break its rules.
Save evidence first. Take screenshots or keep copies before deleting messages, leaving groups or blocking accounts.
Check your privacy settings. Limit who can contact you, tag you, add you to groups or see what you share.
Bring the problem offline. If online bullying continues, talk to someone you trust. What happens online may need action in school, at home or somewhere else.

Build more ways to respond

Learn about fear. Notice what happens to your body and thoughts when you feel frightened. Understanding fear can make it easier to manage.
Understand power. Think about where the power in a bullying situation comes from and what might change it.
Develop empathy. Trying to understand another person's feelings or behaviour does not mean excusing what they do. It can sometimes help you decide how to respond.
Explore conciliation. Sometimes problems can be reduced by finding ways to talk, negotiate or repair relationships, where it is safe and appropriate to do so.
Learn about de escalation. Notice what makes a situation more heated and what might calm it down. Sometimes changing your tone, creating space or choosing not to react immediately can stop things getting worse.

What if I'm bullying someone and want to stop?

It can be really difficult to admit to ourselves that we are bullying someone, or that some of our behaviour could be bullying behaviour. Sometimes we do not realise the effect our actions are having on other people. Dealing with the bully within means first recognising that it may be there. Admitting it to ourselves can be the first step towards doing something about it.

Recognise what is happening. Think honestly about what you are doing, how often it happens and how the other person might be experiencing it.
Stop and give them space. If somebody has asked you to stop, take that seriously. Do not keep testing whether they really mean it.
Think about the effect, not only your intention. You may have meant something as a joke, but that does not mean it felt like a joke to the other person.
Put right what you can. This might mean apologising, returning something, removing a post, correcting a rumour or changing how you behave.
Find out what is behind it. Anger, wanting to belong, jealousy, fear, pressure or wanting power can all affect how we behave. Talking honestly with somebody you trust may help you understand it and develop other ways to respond.

Coping and healing

Helping somebody cope is not the same as stopping the bullying. Breathing techniques, confidence, resilience, friendship and emotional support may all help, but we should be careful not to move responsibility onto the person experiencing bullying by teaching them simply to become better at putting up with it.

Talk about what happened. Speaking to someone you trust can help you make sense of what happened and how it has affected you.
Do things that make you feel good. Spend time with people, places and activities that help you feel safe, confident or connected.
Give yourself time. Bullying can affect confidence and trust long after it stops. You do not have to recover quickly.
Look after yourself. Sleep, movement, food, relaxation and time away from stressful situations can all help.
Ask for more support if you need it. Sometimes the effects of bullying are difficult to deal with alone. A trusted adult, counsellor or other professional may be able to help.

Did it stop?

Whatever strategy is tried, there is one question worth coming back to: did it stop? The fact that somebody had a meeting, somebody was punished, a form was filled in, an apology was made or an anti bullying activity took place does not necessarily tell us whether the bullying stopped.

Check what has changed. Has the bullying stopped, reduced, moved somewhere else or changed form?
Ask how the person feels now. Feeling safer matters as much as whether an incident has been dealt with.
Look for retaliation. Sometimes bullying continues differently after somebody speaks up or gets help.
Give it time, but keep watching. One quiet day does not always mean the problem is over.
Try something else if you need to. If the bullying continues, go back to the choices available and take another action.

More than one way forward

There is no single solution to bullying, but there can be more than one way forward. Sometimes one of the most useful things we can do is keep expanding the number of choices available.